Sunday May 06 2012
She woke up late, well past 11am on a Sunday morning, unable to shake the feeling of unease that gripped her. "Nothing good ever happens after 2 in the morning", she reminded herself. In this case what had started off as a rather harmless late night chat with Vishy had soon turned into a half brutal and half tender conversation that kept her awake into the wee hours of the morning. She had been in constant touch with him for the last 4 months, flirting, laughing, bantering and enjoying every minute of getting to know each other with shared dreams of a happily ever after - until she had hesitatingly called it off just the week before. The last one week had been pure agony as she tried to reconcile the shredded dreams with reality. Had she been too hasty?
She had once before made a very hasty decision followed by four excruciatingly painful years of indecisiveness. Was she overcompensating for her previous mistakes effectively making Vishy a victim of her past? With a brisk shake of her head she tried to push those thoughts away and told herself for the hundredth time that week that she had probably made the right decision. That she had learned from her divorce and now had more sense than to marry someone just because she liked him. Even though the act of liking someone was something very rare and beautiful since she had only felt it three distinct times in her life of thirty years. She had tried to do the sensible thing. She had promised herself that she would listen to her gut and pay attention to the little red flags. Red flags that frustratingly turned to yellow or even a bland white with little warning, leaving her doubting herself like this morning. Like the fact that he wanted a nomadic life while she craved stability had seemed a bright red flag. But could it be that his definition of nomadic just meant the ability to go where their dreams took them? And her definition of stability actually meant the exact same thing with the only difference being that she wanted the stability that let them pursue those dreams of their own accord. She had been on a gut wrenching roller coaster for the last few years. She had finally jumped off it, her head had finally stopped spinning and now she craved a normal life with a husband and kids she could love and care for even as they went about achieving big things. Besides she couldn't ignore the fact that he constantly made her feel like she just wasn't good enough. She couldn't tell if it was superiority complex, plain intellectual snobbery or his way of trying to impress her. She had no illusions about herself - in finding her feet after the divorce she had become rather wrapped up in the mundane and the day to day routines because it was necessary to find a familiar rhythm to life so she could start feeling like herself again. One day at a time. Establishing routine had been top priority. As a result she had lost touch with her interests - she hadn't dabbled in theater or dance for a while,was unaware of pop culture, sports or latest TV shows and rather disconnected from the country's politics and history. But surely she still had her wits about her. She was a successful highly respected executive in her day job, knew her industry extremely well and having devoured enough books to fill a small library could talk intelligently about most subjects. While she absorbed with interest every new thing he introduced her to, she had found him openly bored whenever she talked about her life & interests leaving her feeling like a bore no matter how hard she tried to engage him. She couldn't possibly spend her life wondering if she was indeed boring and trying hard to entertain him - it would get rather tiresome rather quickly.And most importantly she had no clue where his heart lay. He constantly gave her mixed signals and had made it painfully clear that that he didn't like her quite as much as she liked him. He had actually said it in so many words.
With a sigh she finally dragged herself out of bed and decided to make herself a scrumptious brunch to compensate for neglecting more than a few lunches and dinners during the course of the week. One day at a time, she reminded herself.
She woke up late, well past 11am on a Sunday morning, unable to shake the feeling of unease that gripped her. "Nothing good ever happens after 2 in the morning", she reminded herself. In this case what had started off as a rather harmless late night chat with Vishy had soon turned into a half brutal and half tender conversation that kept her awake into the wee hours of the morning. She had been in constant touch with him for the last 4 months, flirting, laughing, bantering and enjoying every minute of getting to know each other with shared dreams of a happily ever after - until she had hesitatingly called it off just the week before. The last one week had been pure agony as she tried to reconcile the shredded dreams with reality. Had she been too hasty?
She had once before made a very hasty decision followed by four excruciatingly painful years of indecisiveness. Was she overcompensating for her previous mistakes effectively making Vishy a victim of her past? With a brisk shake of her head she tried to push those thoughts away and told herself for the hundredth time that week that she had probably made the right decision. That she had learned from her divorce and now had more sense than to marry someone just because she liked him. Even though the act of liking someone was something very rare and beautiful since she had only felt it three distinct times in her life of thirty years. She had tried to do the sensible thing. She had promised herself that she would listen to her gut and pay attention to the little red flags. Red flags that frustratingly turned to yellow or even a bland white with little warning, leaving her doubting herself like this morning. Like the fact that he wanted a nomadic life while she craved stability had seemed a bright red flag. But could it be that his definition of nomadic just meant the ability to go where their dreams took them? And her definition of stability actually meant the exact same thing with the only difference being that she wanted the stability that let them pursue those dreams of their own accord. She had been on a gut wrenching roller coaster for the last few years. She had finally jumped off it, her head had finally stopped spinning and now she craved a normal life with a husband and kids she could love and care for even as they went about achieving big things. Besides she couldn't ignore the fact that he constantly made her feel like she just wasn't good enough. She couldn't tell if it was superiority complex, plain intellectual snobbery or his way of trying to impress her. She had no illusions about herself - in finding her feet after the divorce she had become rather wrapped up in the mundane and the day to day routines because it was necessary to find a familiar rhythm to life so she could start feeling like herself again. One day at a time. Establishing routine had been top priority. As a result she had lost touch with her interests - she hadn't dabbled in theater or dance for a while,was unaware of pop culture, sports or latest TV shows and rather disconnected from the country's politics and history. But surely she still had her wits about her. She was a successful highly respected executive in her day job, knew her industry extremely well and having devoured enough books to fill a small library could talk intelligently about most subjects. While she absorbed with interest every new thing he introduced her to, she had found him openly bored whenever she talked about her life & interests leaving her feeling like a bore no matter how hard she tried to engage him. She couldn't possibly spend her life wondering if she was indeed boring and trying hard to entertain him - it would get rather tiresome rather quickly.And most importantly she had no clue where his heart lay. He constantly gave her mixed signals and had made it painfully clear that that he didn't like her quite as much as she liked him. He had actually said it in so many words.
With a sigh she finally dragged herself out of bed and decided to make herself a scrumptious brunch to compensate for neglecting more than a few lunches and dinners during the course of the week. One day at a time, she reminded herself.
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